So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
