The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
