If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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