I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
