Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
