I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
