it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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