ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
