I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
