apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
