so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
