Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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