so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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