The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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