In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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