T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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