I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
