I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
