Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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