I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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