I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
