so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
