I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
