Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
