considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
