you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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