is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
