It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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