it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
