i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
How external is "for external use only"?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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