so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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