You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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