A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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