I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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