cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
