i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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