I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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