True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
