im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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