sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
