This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
