His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just invented taco cereal.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
