it hurts more in the daytime
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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