I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
