I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
