he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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