She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
