he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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