is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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