He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
